Living apart from spouse can break or build a marriage

Sometimes being in different towns might be better for your marriage.  

Question: I have secured a well-paying job outside town but I fear that leaving my spouse will kill our marriage.

Answer: Growing up in pre-independence Kenya, some of us were confused by the set- up of families in the city. Some children lived with their parents, while others lived in some faraway places (rural areas mostly) and seemed to appear only during school holidays.

Some men lived on their own in “single rooms” but seemed to vanish over the weekend. This group did not seem to have families, other than young women who visited them on and off. Some might have been visiting families in rural areas. It was all so confusing.

Many years later, the penny dropped and we learnt that there were several categories of workers in the city, and that each category dealt with the family dynamics in a different way.

In our estate for example, most families lived together. Although small, the houses were adequate for family life.

For other children in our school, life was different. Accommodation offered at the nearby Nairobi Club and the surrounding homes of the mostly white senior officers in the Upper Hill area was for single occupation and some of these children lived with relatives in different parts of the city.

In estates such as Bahati, Kaloleni , Mbotela and Ofafa Jericho, life was similar in that some children lived with their parents while others only saw their fathers during the weekends and school holidays.

Another interesting twist to the arrangements within family structures was the fact that those who had “rural homes” near Nairobi such as Kiambu, could literally commute to work, while those from further afield such as Murang’a and Nyeri had no choice but to live in Nairobi.

Some social commentators have pointed out that this may have led to different investing habits between these groups, with Murang’a people “owning” Nairobi (This is a story for another day).

Those from Nyanza, Western and other distant places found different solutions to the challenges, with some children claiming to have two or more mothers.

What, you might ask yourself is the relevance of the story from my childhood to your question.

It is intended to create a discussion around your question, which is about whether living in the same town with your wife affects the quality of your life. The natural assumption (yours it seems) is that a man and his wife are better off living together.

Looking at the experience of my childhood, I cannot say confidently that those children who grew up with both parents turned out better, or worse than those who did not.

Some recent studies have shed some light on the question that you raise and the evidence is fairly clear.

Outcomes are dependent on the different parenting styles, which themselves are a reflection of the nature of the relationship between a man and his wife

This in turn is determined by many factors including the nature of communication between the spouses. There are many variables that one could assume from your question.

Out of town could for example, mean that one is in Nairobi, while the other is in Nakuru. It could also mean that one is in Machakos while the other is in Dubai. In the latter case, if one works for an airline for example, the distance might be of less significance.

In other instances and depending on the age of the children (if any) a family working for a diplomatic service could decide to live separately because the quality of education in the country of their posting might be considered poorer than that in Kenya.

In such a case, the decision to live in different towns is one considered by the couple to be in the long term interests of the family.

There are families that live separately because life together is simply too stressful but they are afraid of admitting it to themselves. For them, life in different towns is a way of staying married, as the stress is less.

One could go on but at the end of the day, you must look at your particular set of circumstances and the reasons for being in different towns.

Sometimes being in different towns might be better for your marriage. In others it could well be worse!