To what extent would you go to save your relationship?

People get desperate when they believe that something they hold dear is about to be lost. PHOTO | FILE  NATION MEDIA GROUP

In Summary

• Sometimes we wonder how we haven’t done ‘something big’ so far. The likely reason that you haven’t done it is that you have made choices about how to respond to situations in your relationship.
• The second step that can prevent us from doing something regrettable is to learn to solve issues along the way, rather than allow them to accumulate.
• Finally, you and your partner are responsible for each other. It is your duty to meet each other’s needs so that neither of you will ever feel the need to contemplate or do something desperate.

By SHADRACK KIRUNGA
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Desperate times call for desperate measures, so goes a common saying. These measures, supposedly taken in the name of love, come in many forms, from the covert and bizarre ones such as kukalia
chapati, to overt ones like physical violence. In these days of mobile phones, perusing a partner’s phone and calling ‘suspicious’ people is also becoming common, resulting sometimes in untold embarrassment and hurt. Why do couples behave this way and how can they safeguard their relationships from such acts?

There are many reasons for such behaviour, and they include the following:

Long-term problems:

People are driven to take desperate actions when a problem has persisted, and there is seemingly no improvement or an inkling of change. The affected partner feels tired, sometimes hopeless, and might be tempted to try one more thing before throwing in the towel.

Personality/background:

To some extent, each one of us is capable of doing something we probably don’t imagine we could ever do. However, some people are more likely to take certain drastic actions than others based on their personalities and past experiences. Take the case of suspected cheating for instance. To one person, smashing a partner’s new iPhone or even a car is a big deal, but for someone else in similar circumstances, blood and tears must flow.

What is at stake?

So, what will be lost if we lose our relationship? For some, it is their investment, financial, emotional, you name it. Others are afraid of the shame that they might suffer, while the rest are scared of being alone and will do anything to salvage the relationship.

In my opinion, this is the real reason people become desperate - when they believe that something very important is threatened. It is crucial to understand this because it implies that the real intention is preservation of self, the partner and the relationship. Whatever the action or its outcome might be, the point is that people get desperate when they believe that something they hold dear is about to be lost. 

Way forward

If we were all honest with ourselves, we get desperate sometimes; in fact, sometimes we wonder how we haven’t done ‘something big’ so far. The likely reason that you haven’t done it is that you have made choices about how to respond to situations in your relationship. And this is my first thought, that we need to consciously draw red lines for ourselves. It is however hard to do so because some actions are really not actions; they are reactions, and that is the point here; that you choose not to respond in certain ways no matter what.

The second step that can prevent us from doing something regrettable is to learn to solve issues along the way, rather than allow them to accumulate. That is easier said than done especially when you consider your partner to be the problem. In this case however, it does not only refer to resolving a conflict with your partner, but also off-loading the associated emotional baggage from your heart. In this way, it will be possible to one day make a final decision in a sober manner, without making headlines.

Finally, you and your partner are responsible for each other. It is your duty to meet each other’s needs so that neither of you will ever feel the need to contemplate or do something damaging. The key to this is being sensitive to each other’s needs, taking your responsibilities in the relationship seriously, and being constantly available to each other.