Leonard Kinuthia Kihara, an Executive pastor at Nairobi's International
Christian Centre, with his wife Rosaline Njoki Kinuthia on September 17,
2015. PHOTO | EVANS HABIL
Can a marriage survive, and even thrive when the woman makes much more money than the man? “Of course yes”, Leonard Kinuthia (Leo), an executive Pastor at Nairobi’s International Christian Centre says without a moment’s hesitation. He would know, after all he says, from the onset of his marriage, his wife Dr Rosaline Njoki (Rossie) has always had the bigger paycheck and from the look of things, the trend is likely to continue.
Pastor
Leonard Kinuthia is a man on a mission. With a tidy halo of jet black
hair framing his round face, his eyes twinkle with merriment behind his
glasses, he doesn’t look like a soldier. Gregarious,
ready to crack a
joke at the batting of an eye it is hard to believe that he is on a
crusade flying high the banner of marriage. His quest is to save this
institution long before it is even conceived.
How
can that be? You ask? How does one take up arms and fight for this
institution that is currently under siege from all directions? And what
tools does one even take up? And who is the enemy in this age-old war?
The book, 60 Days Marathon: A young Adults Studyguide,
is his answer. Prepared as a workbook for small groups of single people
to discuss together, Kinuthia lays out in great detail sixty worst
possible scenarios a couple is likely to encounter if and when they
consider marriage. This new book is his second after Sex Principles and Values: Parents’ Guide,
to help parents talk to their children about sexuality in the home
before the world and the internet takes over their education.
Pastor
Leo, who counsels many couples before and during marriages says that
the top three marriage killers are a couple’s management of their money,
sexual life and in-laws.
“Money is
really not the problem but what to do in the presence or absence of it
is vital,” he says. On a regular basis, I meet with couples trapped in
the web of debt from taking loans to finance lavish weddings or living
beyond their means or just simply keeping their money and finances
separate. Without preaching from a lofty place, he becomes a sagacious
elder serving up the perils of keeping up appearances while piling up
runaway debt that could cripple a marriage before it even starts.
60 Days Marathon: A young Adults Study guide,
by Pastor Leo Kinuthia has been pPrepared as a workbook for small
groups of single people to discuss together. Kinuthia lays out in great
detail sixty worst possible scenarios a couple is likely to encounter if
and when they consider marriage. PHOTO | NATION
Drawing
from his experiences he advises that couples do not measure a person’s
worth by their pay slip . Married young and broke, he retraces his love
story that he regales his congregation with at any given opportunity.
SPECIAL WOMAN
Then
a final year Zoology student at the University of Nairobi, Leo steeled
himself as he approached the medical school’s hostels. Looking suave in
his weekend finest, having kindled a firestorm by breaking an unwritten
rule of dating on campus, he decided to be just as incendiary with his
follow-up. Reed-thin and broke with little but infectious charisma he
planned to propose to Rossie, his girlfriend of two years who was then a
third year medical student.
“I was
so thin with sharp, jutting, geometric cheekbones that I looked like I
was whistling,” he muses looking back on that eventful day. “I was lucky
to have arrived just in time as from the corner of my eye, I saw a
rival for Rossie’s attention arrive. Too bad for him, by then she had
already said yes.”
Rosaline Njoki,
who he affectionately calls Rossie was the apple of his eye. From the
moment she sailed within his sights as a first year student and then as a
member of the Christian Union she knew she was something special. But
there was just one problem, she was deemed to be out of my league.
“In
our days it was not common for a BSc (science student) to marry someone
from medical school as they were deemed smarter and were considered out
of reach. My friends thought my interest was fleeting and I was in it
for the prospect.”
They couldn’t have
been more wrong, “I knew in my heart that she was a good person and I
asked around to establish that she was seeing anyone. Once I was assured
she was free indeed, I took a step of faith and we became friends
setting in motion events that would ultimately culminate in their
marriage a few short years later.
He
would make several of these visits over time. “Those were happy times
for me. I got to see the woman I loved and these became the only times I
ever ate meat in college,” he says with a chuckle.
Their
journey was not without its challenges. Leo who came from a humble
background was worried that his fiancée would reject him when she saw
where he came from.
“I knew it was a
make or break affair once she saw our peasant homestead that my parents
and nine siblings called home. To her credit she did not flinch and got
along well with my family. She proudly introduced me to her family who
accepted me too. The two agreed to get married after Leo’s graduation.
“By
this time, I was sure I was called to minister, and was a volunteer in
my church, taking part in various activities across the country. I had
no money, yet I was planning my maiden official visit to Rossie’s home.”
For
such visits, custom demands that you go bearing gifts, gifts that Leo
had no money to buy. At the time, Rosaline was on paid internship and
had saved some money, which she generously gave Leo.
“How many women would do that?” Leo poses. Indeed, how many?
That
visit paved way for their wedding in 2002. Since they did not have
enough money to finance their wedding, their friends and church pitched
in and they had a simple but beautiful ceremony.
Leonard Kinuthia and his wife Rosaline Njoki on their wedding day in 2002 PHOTO | COURTESY
HOTBED OF CHAOS
“We
started our married life in a one-bedroom extension. It was so dark, we
had to keep the lights on even during the day. We were so broke, we
could not even afford a bed. A friend lent us our first bed,” says Leo,
laughing at the memory.
Rosaline adds
that travelling to work in a matatu was a luxury, and to make ends
meet, they would take the overcrowded train to work, which was much
cheaper.
“We had nothing, but our home was filled with love, joy and laughter.”
Lack
of money and the inequality of it all did not strain their marriage,
and they consciously ensure that it does not come between them.
“Drawing from our experience, money is not the problem, rather, how the two of you react in its presence or absence.”
In their case, they have a joint account, which makes it easy for them to agree on how to use their money.
Leo
admits that theirs is an exception. “My wife Rossie is just an
extraordinary person. She was able to see the bigger picture. I like to
say she married the future, not the emaciated young man that stood
before her those many years.” That realisation brought upon him the
responsibility to help set them up for successful marriages.
According
to his book, the other minefield that will blow marriages apart is sex.
He notes that sex is crucial and a marriage is not considered one until
it is consummated. He says. A wanting sex life, he points out, is
usually a manifestation of other challenges.
“When
the couple is not doing well, their intimacy is affected. This is
because sex is the highest show of unity and love. Sex is the
culmination of intimacy, not its precursor. It is an off shoot of love,
but not love itself. I have seen marriages break up due to
childlessness, a woman conceiving during courtship, and extramarital
affairs,” he says, and adds. “Unfortunately, sex, the very act that
should unite a couple, is a major cause of many failed marriages.”
“Just
to scratch the surface, men are said to be in the mood for it anytime
anywhere, while women are said to need time to “get there.” If the man
does not understand this and take the time to learn how to get his
wife’s attention, there will be a problem, which will escalate if it is
not solved.”
He also points out that
to a man, sex can be a purely physical affair, but to a woman, this act
is much more than that – when she seeks it, what she is looking for is
affection and appreciation.
“There
are some women however, who use sex as a weapon for revenge
or blackmail. They will withhold sex from their husbands to get them to
give in to something or punish them for a perceived wrong. This kind of
manipulation is wrong, and at some point, it will turn back and bite
them.”
The book also contains a
no-holds barred examination of the sexual temptations that plague
marriage, from pornography, addiction to sex, homosexuality and other
turn-ons that both singles and married people encounter on a daily
basis. The book offers no easy answers, only making it clear that for
your marriage to thrive, you need to find a way to overcome these
temptations.
The author however
points out that those who cultivate trust, are transparent and
accountable to their partner, fulfill their responsibilities and are
appreciative and respectful of each other are more likely to avoid these
pitfalls.
SPOUSE COMES FIRST
Another major cause of disharmony in marriage is in-laws.
Says
Leo, “In our African setting, interaction with in-laws is inevitable.
Culturally, you are married into a family, rather than to just your
spouse. Also, you have always been part of a family before meeting your
spouse, so how you relate with them after marriage can either make or
break your relationship.”
The women in the man’s life especially need to get along, while men must defend their wives if need be.
“A
responsible man knows that it is his duty to stand by his wife and
defend her, no matter what. It is important to put up a united front
before your extended families.”
“I
tell women that their husband’s mother and sisters are there to stay, so
they need to make an effort to get along – there is no one happier than
a man whose wife, mother, and sisters get along.”
Should
a misunderstanding between you and your in-laws crop up, let your
husband handle it if his relatives are involved. If your relatives are
the cause of the conflict, you should be the one to intervene.
“Also,
you are not obliged to host relatives, especially if this threatens the
stability of your marriage. Love them and assist them if they need
assistance, but remember your spouse and his or her comfort comes
first.”
When dealing with these three
issues, (money, sex, and in-laws) the key to navigating through them
successfully is to communicate openly and trust each other to have the
best interests of the marriage at heart. If you have these two, you will
be able to overcome any challenge that comes your way.
“These three will always be with us, so make your boundaries clear, uphold them firmly, and watch your marriage blossom.”
WORKING RELATIONSHIPS
Leonard Kinuthia Kihara, an Executive pastor at
Nairobi's International Christian Centre, with his wife Rosaline Njoki
Kinuthia on September 17, 2015. PHOTO | EVANS HABIL
“When
most people marry, they readily say “I do” to the good and bad times,
but when calamity and the difficult times come knocking, they choose to
walk away,” says Leo.
Most of these
individuals who take the easy way out, he adds, are often unaware or
inadequately prepared to handle the possible pitfalls they may encounter
along the way. Marriage is easy in theory, they say, but in reality,
takes work to keep it afloat.
While he admits that no relationship or marriage is perfect, he advocates for settling for one that works.
“The
perfection or imperfection of a relationship depends on the couple;
what the two of you bring in will either add to, or subtract from the
relationship. I would talk of a working relationship instead of a
perfect one.”
The characteristics of
such a relationship include: vulnerability or transparency, bearing with
each other patiently, serving each other, overlooking non-issues,
giving of yourself, being committed and faithful.
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