He wants to leave her for me but I am torn between yes and no

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Picture of a sad couple. Photo/FILE 

In Summary

• From the beginning, I knew he had been seeing someone else.
• Although this had been going on for close to five years, I still made the conscious decision to date him.

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By Philip Kitoto
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Dear Kitoto,

I am dating a man I have known since our days at university. Like any relationship, we have had our ups and downs.

From the beginning, I knew he had been seeing someone else. Although this had been going on for close to five years, I still made the conscious decision to date him.

He is a good man. He has been kind and generous and everything I would want God to bless me with in a man.

Initially, I felt guilty, so we decided to see each other for only a certain length of time.

But whenever the end neared we would postpone the parting. It has been close to two years now.

He asked me if he should leave the other woman. I told him not to. For the past few months, though, he has proposed and asked me to be his wife.

I have refused because I feel it is not fair to this other person. I feel that God would not bless our union.

But more so, I refused because he has a temper. We once had a huge fight that I feared would escalate to physical abuse; it really traumatised me. Regardless, he has sought counselling and his temper has greatly improved.

More things have also worried me. For example, he is overprotective and also a bit insecure. When I receive a call, he wants to know who the caller is.

This has brought a great deal of unhappiness in my life, spending days reassuring him and ensuring that he has nothing to fear.

I have lost contact with friends I grew up with, especially those of the opposite sex. Still, I do love him more than anyone I have ever loved. The value he has added to my life was worth the sacrifices I made.

Recently, however, he took the other woman for a birthday treat and I ended up seeing the photos. It tore me apart and has caused me a lot of unrest. I am not the jealous type and I have never had such feelings in this relationship.

I know my situation, to say the least, is immoral and wrong. He finally asked me to decide, but I still refused his proposal. Ever since, there has been a rift between us.

I already know that I need to leave.

Time is going and a decision has to be made. I said no because I did not want to be selfish. I did not want to live my life in misery, but I love him and I am finding it difficult to use reason and judgement in this situation.

I am tempted to say yes despite all these odds. I honestly do not want to lose him. He has been my biggest source of strength and I do not have the strength to leave.

I love him and he has been a good influence. But I hurt seeing him in that position with someone else.

Please advise me. I really do not know what to do. I do not know how to leave without losing a great friend.
PK

Hi,

I do not know the level of the relationship with the other woman.

If the two of them are married and he is asking you for marriage, meaning divorcing the other woman, then that would really not be right. I see that you already have the feeling of being in an immoral relationship.

However, if this man is not married and he is intimately involved with the two of you without any clear direction of marriage for either of you, then you need to engage him in a discussion to clearly spell out what he really wants.

If he feels it is time to marry, then let him be clear on the decision so that both of you women are not hurt in the process.

But I have the feeling that you somehow know where this man is in terms of his commitment to the other person.

Use this to determine what to do. Remember, “do unto others what you expect them to do to you.”

Life has a way of making us harvest what we planted. Be careful what you plant.

Otherwise, you might be trapped in a cycle you find difficult to leave even when you feel frustrated. You also feel hesitant about this relationship.

I would suggest that you do a thorough evaluation of what I stated above and ask yourself whether this is what God would want for you.

It looks like you think God will not bless your union if you did. If this is the case, follow both your head and your heart.

Do not let feelings cause you to walk a road you will regret in the future.

VIRGINITY SHOULD BE CELEBRATED, RIGHT?

Dear Kitoto,

May I commend you for the amazing work that you do. As much as it is hard to find solutions for the various challenges people present, you have continually tried to be of help. Be blessed.

On October 7, a woman asked you if being a virgin was still a virtue. That caught my attention and I would like to answer that question with a big YES.

Mr Kitoto, we have a large congregation of young men and women who are virgins and another group who are secondary virgins.

My purpose of writing to you is to request you to contact her and ask if she can visit us. I would really appreciate it.

I just want her to come visit the group. Maybe she will be more convinced to continue being strong each day.

Thanks for your consideration. May the Almighty father continue to give you wisdom to continue helping the large number of people who seek your assistance.

D. Njoroge

Hi,

I truly appreciate your kind compliments. Our team is always working hard to do our part in helping to bring back the lost values that we once cherished as a people.

God’s desire is that the institution of marriage be healed and strengthened through many support systems, including this column by the Daily Nation.

Your desire to meet and introduce the woman who shared about her virginity issue is well taken. Thank you for you deep concern to offer the much-needed support that those of her kind may need to know — that there is a bright light around the corner.

However, it is also our policy to use this forum as an exchange of information, learning and venting in a respectable way concerning relationships. Still, I appreciate your concern.

PLEASE HELP US FIND GOOD COUNSELLORS
Dear Kitoto,

Thank you for the good work you do, counselling those in need. My name is Sharon. I am married. I would like to consult a marriage counsellor, preferably one based in Nyeri. I look forward to hearing from you. Thank you and God bless.

Sharon

Dear Editor,

I am a regular reader of articles on relationships by Philip Kitoto.

I live in Nairobi and I need the services of a marriage counsellor. I would be grateful if you could provide me with a few names from which I can choose.

Looking forward to your assistance.

Supeyo

Yes, we can find you a counsellor each in Nyeri and Nairobi respectively. Give us some time to make contact. We will then let you know.

Thank you both for the faith you have in this column. We will endeavour to be there for those with the desire to make their relationships better. Please check your emails regularly for a response from us.

EIGHT THINGS THAT CAN DERAIL YOUR QUEST FOR ‘HAPPILY EVER AFTER’

Two cannot walk together unless they are agreed. In relationships, no one enters with the intention of destroying it, yet hurt, pain, loveless marriages, separations and divorce rates remain high. Why it is this so?

We must be aware of what we may be doing in the relationship that could eventually destroy it. Knowing what we do to drive our relationship down the drain could easily help create a successful and flourishing union.

1. The loss of agreement in a relationship is one of the first signs of discord.

In such a relationship, the partners lose interest in each other and no longer has anything in common.

With time, communication dies, distance develops, and lack of intimacy becomes visible.

2. Do you sometimes feel as if you are the last one to know about issues in the relationship?

When your partner no longer shares the important information about his personal problems, investments, career, or even personal achievements, then one begins to wonder if they matter.

When you discover that your partner consistently shares such information with a relative, a friend, or a workmate, then your relevance comes under question.

It could just be that your partner sees no need to include you.

3. Many relationships are just managing to survive under a choking heap of unresolved issues.

“The clock starts ticking on the end of a marriage as soon as one spouse puts the problems out in the open,” says Bryce Kaye, PhD, author of The Marriage First Aid Kit. “The more time passes after that without any effort made, the lower the odds are that you’ll stay together.”

Therefore, when we fail to confront issues and instead sweep them under the carpet, there will be a feeling of insecurity, anger, fear and a lack of fulfilment. Successful relationships must resolve issues by learning proper conflict-resolution skills.

4. Dr Savage says: “If you’ve both started moving in completely separate orbits, or if you are not working together on day-to-day issues, it’s a sign of serious trouble.”

When there is no agreement, a feeling of exclusion and mounting unresolved issues, a couple finds themselves with little time together.

We end up blaming this on busy lives and forget that we got married for companionship and partnership.

Marital vision has at its core the need to embrace teamwork and oneness of vision.

This brings into question what marriage really is: Don’t we believe in the sanctity, permanence, and joy that marriage brings?

5. When a spouse begins to change without caring about what the other one thinks, begins to entertain friends that are antagonising harmony and spending excessive time outside the home, then the journey the marriage is taking needs to be evaluated.

“When one partner consistently feels dismissed, rejected, and condescended to and the other partner doesn’t see it or refuses to talk through it, you are in a bad place. Marriages that reach this place are toxic. You are no longer civil, and all discourse is either attacking or defending,” says Dr Savage.

6. In relationships, it is important to know that absence is both physical and emotional. Creating time for each other and making deliberate steps to give each other a hearing is the only way to break this cycle.

7. “My gut was telling me that everything was not quite right! But I was convinced to believe that I was just paranoid and insecure. I had no idea he was such a good liar. He talked me out of my suspicions.”

Unfaithfulness may begin in little things like not keeping time and giving excuses to cover up or spending money and lying to avoid accountability.

Such areas may seem insignificant, but soon they begin to cause major cracks in the foundation wall of the marriage.

A major part of marriage involves knowing each other’s expectations and working towards fulfilling them.

Unfaithfulness can only be dealt with by coming out in the open by positive confession like, “I carry regrets due to my actions … I choose to deal with you directly”.

8. One of the first warning signs of potential problems in a marriage is complacency.

This is the practice of taking each other for granted in the relationship, neglecting to spend time together, or forgetting to say those simple nice phrases that added spice to the relationship. Just because you fell in love does not mean you are going to live happily ever after.

Making a choice to stay focused and interested in your spouse and the relationship will help bring perspective. If not handled, complacency has a way of draining the excitement, passion, and energy out of a marriage.

Spouses who are complacent are not motivated to do things differently or work on making personal changes because they lack the ability to know when to take a stand for the sake of the marriage.

TO OUR READERS: Many counsellors now believe that the Kenyan family, the building block of our society and nation, is in a crisis.

There is unhappiness and discord where there should be love and joy. We have put together a diverse team of experts, family and marriage counsellors, led by Mr Philip Kitoto, to help heal the family by offering advice and support.

Readers’ questions will be answered on these pages and online at www.nation.co.ke. Send your questions to dn2@ke.nationmedia.com, or to The Editor, DN2, P O Box 49010, GPO 00100, Nairobi.