I'm dying inside

Confessions of an abused husband: She calls me 'useless and valueless' after Covid-19 robbed me of my job

By MORAA OBIRIA

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Victor* (name withheld) had never imagined that he would one day be called “valueless and...
useless”.
At least not by the woman he dearly loved, and someone he thought would stand by him through thick and thin.
The Covid-19 pandemic has, however, put that love to test. And he now realises how “valueless and useless” he is perceived by the woman he married eight years ago. Reason? He is unable to provide for his family after losing his job.
The society has unilaterally shouldered men with the burden of being the breadwinners even when the economic paradigms continue to shift with most of them losing jobs.
The gendered responsibilities clashing with the realities of financial ability and love becoming the least determining factor for a cohesive co-existence in the family. This is Victor’s case.

COVID-19

Before the pandemic, the 39-year-old, who lives with in Kambi Muru in Kibra, was a happy man with his wife and three children. He met his family’s needs as he worked as a construction foreman earning a daily wage of Sh2,000.
Then things suddenly changed soon after the Ministry of Health announced the first positive Covid-19 case.
A week after the announcement, he lost his job. He was attached to a church construction project in Nairobi and the management stopped the project citing financial constraints.
He informed his wife, a casual domestic worker, of his job loss. Unlike him, her income stream has remained steady as she still gets the laundry and cleaning jobs, he says.
They talked about their financial status and agreed to adjust their expenditures. Two weeks down the line, life took a different shape.

FLIRTS WITH MEN

“Anything I told or asked her attracted a rude response. I wondered “What is going on? She has never disrespected me this way before!”
This was the beginning of psychological abuse that she continues to mete out on him.
He says she flirts with men on phone in his presence; denies him food on grounds that he has failed to provide for his family, and scolds him.
“Words cannot explain how hurt I am. I am suffering in silence. What can I do? I can’t meet her needs like before,” he narrates.
The wife, he says, blames him for failure to secure another job with a wage higher or equivalent to his previous pay.

USELESS MAN

Occasionally, he gets water vending or luggage pull cart jobs where he makes between Sh200 and Sh500 daily wage.
“She says she finds me to be a useless man as she cannot understand why other men have managed to secure jobs at alternative construction sites yet I have not,” he says.
“Whenever I try to explain myself, she insults me in front of my children. I am so tormented.”
The torment has extended to her wishing him death, a desire she declares in the presence of their children.
She has equally levelled threats of scalding him with hot water and stabbing him to death as “he is valueless and useless.”
To avoid unnecessary conflicts, Victor says he leaves the house by 6.30am without breakfast and returns after 7pm.
“These days, I know breakfast is just for the children. I can’t dare to ask,” he says.
“It feels like I am suffocating whenever it’s time to head back home and I have absolutely nothing to take home.”

1196 HOTLINE

In June, Victor had reached the end of his tether. He wanted to revenge by killing her and the children.
Luckily, while on his way to Yaya Centre to look for a job, he stumbled on a group of men along Ngong’ Road reading an article on the Daily Nation. It was about a hotline – 1196 free for men undergoing Sexual and Gender Based Violence (SGBV).
“I decided to call. The counsellors have really helped me deal with the tension within. Whenever I feel like I am losing it, I call for counselling,” he says.
He says, he takes courage in the fact that he is not alone and someone somewhere cares for him.
However, how to find a new lease of life is the puzzle he wishes he could unravel in this minute.
“I am dying inside. All I want is a job to start a new life away from her.”