Are men suffering in silence as marital rape cases go unreported?

Social stigma and the silence of the law on the issue leave affected men facing depression. PHOTO | FILE 

By STELLAR MURUMBA

Is it possible to accuse your wife of marital rape? The skewed debate on whether men can be raped masks some ugly truths in marriages.

In a society where marital rape is one of the under-reported violent crimes as it is socially tolerated, abused women are afraid to speak out as they rely financially on their husbands, while others fear the humiliation.

For married men, the social stigma is even higher as they fear ridicule.

To some people, such injustices among men seem unbelievable. Some people wonder, understandably, how can a woman can rape her husband.

Dr Ken Munyua, a psychologist consultant, says despite statistics highlighting marital rape among women, a number of Kenyan men are suffering in silence.

“Men get raped in marriages. But since the society will literally laugh off such allegations, men tend to coil back in their cocoon for fear of ridicule,” says Dr Munyua.

Myths that men cannot be sexually assaulted by women make it hard for some to seek professional help.

Dr Munyua says the reality is that sexual assault is not always enacted through physical force. It can involve emotional manipulation whereby a man is coerced and acts out of fear of straining a relationship or losing a job or favours.

"If a man goes home, for instance, after a tiring day at work and the wife eventually “coerces” him against his wish, that is marital rape,” he says.

Strained intimacy

Dr Munyua notes that even when men respond to touch this does not mean they are mentally ready. He adds that men fear rejecting their wives because they might think they are cheating.

However, strained intimacy puts men under pressure causing them psychological torture.

Dr Munyua says women often times do not know that they are perpetrators of marital rape because the men never speak out. Sometimes the women don’t see it as an issue.

"I usually advise my clients to always communicate in their relationships, more so when it is the man suffering. The wife may never tell if they do not speak,” he says.

He adds that partners need to develop emotional intimacy to be able to discuss problems when they arise, noting that in most African societies, discussing sex is taboo and socialisation has made many shy away from talking about marital problems.

Rape as norm

Some see rape as the norm. About half of Kenyan women who participated in the Kenya Demographic and Health Survey (KDHS) 2014, said their husbands (or would be husbands) have the right to mistreat them.

A third of them still think that a husband has a right to get angry with them if they refuse to be intimate with him.

About 15 per cent of the women said their husbands are justified to beat them if they refuse intimacy. Men were not questioned on marital rape.

Marital rape has sparked debate over the years. From the colonial times in 1940s, research shows African courts were sympathetic to women who lodged rape claims.

"Elders handed down stiff punishments to rapists, were willing to entertain a wide definition of “indecent assault,” and did not require the extensive evidence of rape so commonly demanded by judges in modern courts,’’ notes Brett L. Shadle in an article in the African Studies Review journal.

Men who admitted to having had sex but claimed it had been consensual were forced to prove their claims, the research notes.

Diana Okello, a human rights activist, says some people still deny that marital rape exists. She says it is time to bring the issue to the conversation table.

Dr Munyua advises couples to attend pre-marital counselling to know what to expect in marriage and for those suffering to seek help as such cases can cause mental illnesses such as depression.

A person guilty of rape faces not less than 10 years in jail.

Women who engage in consensual intimacy with young men under the age of 18 are also considered to have engaged in rape. But the law is silent on spousal rape.

Dr Munyua says partners can choose to communicate and resolve issues amicably, unless the problem is repetitive.

“You see, you do not have to answer to a mosquitoes bite with a hammer. You (spouses) can handle it instead of reporting it to police. The lengthy process of our Kenyan system might just prolong issues,” he said, adding that communication in marriage is key.

smurumba@ke.nationmedia.com