I have to agree with popular Ugandan comedienne Anne Kansiime when she
contends that schools are out to embarrass parents and drive a wedge
between them and their kids. ILLUSTRATION| JOSEPH NGARI
I have to agree with popular Ugandan comedienne Anne Kansiime
when she contends that schools are out to embarrass parents and drive a
wedge between them and their kids.
For example, why do
various educational institutions encourage near-toddlers to write about
their home life? The so-called “news book” where totos are supposed to
journal their daily lives is often almost as bad as an autobiography
penned by a raunchy Hollywood diva.
The poor parent
only discovers the revelations on “open” day when the explosive material
is neatly arranged on Junior’s desk, ready for all political enemies to
enjoy and digest.
With hair gently rising to
attention, the parent finds a way to confiscate the offending tome
without drawing attention to herself. But why should she have to do this
year after year?
For example one toto recorded the
argument his parents had about the level of air conditioning that was
comfortable in the bedroom by writing “Mum slept on the sofa last night
because Dad was making it too hot for her in the bedroom.” Another
mini-person was requested to write about “How my parents met” by her
teacher.
COULD HARDLY WAIT
The
excited child could hardly wait to get home where she proceeded to
interview each parent about this happy first meeting. Mum did not
realise that she was being grilled by a budding journalist so she waxed
lyrical about the day she met her future husband. “He looked so
romantic,” she said, dabbing a sentimental tear from her eye, “I had
this big, bushy Afro hairdo and I was wearing a miniskirt.
I
think for him it was love at first sight! Actually, he was so
overwhelmed that he tipped out of his chair!” Dad, however, was
initially not so forthcoming.
Since the interview took
place close to Mum’s birthday, he was suspicious that he was facing an
emissary sent by his spouse to pave the way for an expensive and
embarrassing celebration. However, once it was explained that the future
of his offspring depended on an accurate rendition of the important
event, he told the story to the best of his ability.
“I
was at my local pub with some mates when some birds walked in. To tell
you the truth, I was as drunk as a skunk! Anyway, one of the birds had
this huge, scary hairdo and as I tried to focus on it I felt dizzy and
fell off my stool.
Well it was your mum, and she was kind enough to pick me off the floor and dust me off. The rest as they say, is history.
I married her and we have been living ever after in holy matrimony.”
Junior
was a little confused by these conflicting accounts, but like all good
journalists, she was able to produce a coherent and interesting story
based on her research materials.
She wrote: “Mum and
Dad met in a bar. She had a bushy hairdo on her head and Dad got the
worst fright and fell in love. She thought he was frantic and so she
picked him up from the dusty floor where he had fallen. He thought she
was an animal, but kind, so he married her and they have lived ever
after wholy in acrimony.
All this happened a long time
ago, I think it was during the time of the Romans. In support of the
current efforts to curb alcohol abuse a father taught his child a lesson
on the effects of different liquids.
He placed a worm in a glass of water and another in a glass of whisky.
Within
a few minutes the worm in the whisky glass died while the one in water
was still thriving. Later the son wrote: “Dad taught me that drinking
whisky is a good way of keeping yourself free of worms,”
However,
the best report came from the ultimate digital kid. She advised her
readers that “It is not a good idea to have a baby since I understand
they take about nine months to download.”
This weekend, don’t let the kids upload family secrets to the school portal.
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