How to reenergise your relationship

The peak of intimacy is in the behaviour exhibited in the bedroom. At the beginning of a relationship, the aim for most partners is to pleasure their spouse. PHOTO | FILE 

In Summary

• Relationships are kept alive by continuously seducing each other. Core to this is that each partner in the relationship has to maintain a level of grooming, hygiene and fashion, and present their best to their partners both in the bedroom and in public places.
• Then there is attention. Do you give attention to your spouse when they talk to you? Some men and women are quite dismissive. The moment their partner starts to talk to them they throw in a word to scuttle the conversation. Instead of concentrating and maintaining eye contact.
• And then there is the etiquette of showing affection in public places. John would never hold Rose’s hand in public. For him it was taboo. He always instructed Rose to walk ahead and he would follow at a distance. They were like two strangers walking down a road.

By JOACHIM OSUR
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Rose’s story is typical of many relationships. When she met her husband it was all bliss. They spent time together, talked for hours on end, and had a great sex life. “At some point I thought that if anything came between us, I would kill myself,” she explained when she came to the clinic. But that was six years ago. Life is different today.

“If we are together for more than an hour we must find things to quarrel about,” she told me. Their worsening relationship has affected their sex life as well. Rose suspects that her husband could be looking out for new love. So where did the rain start beating this couple, and many others that find themselves enduring each other?

I met with them several times to study their relationship dynamics. My conclusion was that the couple had lost the skill of seduction, which is critical in maintaining long-term relationships.

You see, relationships are kept alive by continuously seducing each other. Core to this is that each partner in the relationship has to maintain a level of grooming, hygiene and fashion, and present their best to their partners both in the bedroom and in public places.

In other words, you have to love yourself first for others to love you. If you have lost this sense because you now have a spouse then you are courting disaster. No man or woman wants to live with a dirty, unkempt, careless person.

AFFECTION AND ATTENTION

Then there is attention. Do you give attention to your spouse when they talk to you? Some men and women are quite dismissive. The moment their partner starts to talk to them they throw in a word to scuttle the conversation. Instead of concentrating and maintaining eye contact, showing interest and digesting what their partner is saying, they are busy texting on their phone, watching TV or reading a newspaper. Their gestures are repulsive and meant to put their partners off. This kills emotional connection.

Then there is the loss of charm. When people are courting they are fun to talk to. You converse for hours but do not feel tired. Charm actually keeps intimacy going in 70 per cent of the cases.

For those who have lost the art of seduction, however, speech is in monosyllables. They order their spouses around, they are dictators at home, and they will not listen to their partner’s views or allow their positions to be challenged.

One thing that John had that is common with frustrated couples is that the man never appreciates the beauty of his wife. Irrespective of how Rose dressed or groomed, all with an intention to be noticed by the one she loves, there was no comment from John.

Whenever there was opportunity to say something negative about Rose however, John would verbalise it and repeat it as many times as possible. In the art of seduction, appreciation and feeling desired is an important turn on for most women.

And then there is the etiquette of showing affection in public places. John would never hold Rose’s hand in public. For him it was taboo. He always instructed Rose to walk ahead and he would follow at a distance. They were like two strangers walking down a road. He would never open the car door for her or pull a seat for her at the dinner table.

According to him, doing some of these things was a sign of weakness. What he did not know is that it is these small gestures that improve intimacy, confidence in the relationship and emotional connection; they make a spouse feel appreciated and loved. Public display of affection is reassuring and results in deep fulfilment with your spouse.

SELFISH INTEREST

The peak of intimacy is in the behaviour exhibited in the bedroom. At the beginning of a relationship, the aim for most partners is to pleasure their spouse.

They are tender and innovative; they care and do not inflict pain, and aim to pleasure their spouses to the highest possible levels. The equation however changes later in life when the art of seduction is lost. Selfish interests take precedence.

Partners seek their own sexual pleasure at the expense of their spouses.

“Yes, most of the times he does his thing then goes into deep sleep snoring loudly,” said Rose. “I gave up on sexual satisfaction a long time ago; I accepted my fate because I thought that is how it works in other marriages.”

Well, if that is what your sex life looks like then the equation needs to be reversed by reenergising your seduction abilities. If you have lost the art, seeking help from sexology professionals may just be what you need.