Do you treat your visitors better than you do your spouse?

We were taught to put the needs of visitors first, and be in our best behaviour in the presence of guests. FILE PHOTO |  NATION MEDIA GROUP

In Summary

• The small boy, with that unnerving innocence of a child, loudly responded “Mum, leo upike kama zile za Wageni.”
• (Mum, make chapatis as sweet as the ones you make for visitors). Though she was embarrassed, an important point had been made.

By SHADRACK KIRUNGA
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A story is told of a woman who was embarrassed by her son when she announced that she would make chapattis for dinner.

The small boy, with that unnerving innocence of a child, loudly responded “Mum, leo upike kama zile za Wageni.”

(Mum, make chapatis as sweet as the ones you make for visitors). Though she was embarrassed, an important point had been made.

Do we also fall into that trap in our relationships? Denying our partners what they yearn for while freely giving it to others?

Why do we behave this way? Let’s discuss this important issue, which is a common cause of discord in relationships.

Learnt from childhood:

I still remember this very vivid incident where a young man and his girlfriend were seeing off an older guest.

It was getting chilly, and the older woman was shivering with cold, prompting the young man to request his girlfriend to offer her jacket, since he had none himself. The girl was offended, feeling that her boyfriend had put someone else’s needs before hers.

This illustration might imply that the young man was taught to put the needs of visitors first, and be in his best behaviour in the presence of guests.

VISITORS DESERVE BETTER?

Sometimes, unfortunately, our parents took this too far, keeping the best for visitors and serving us leftovers.

This implied that visitors deserved better than those close to us, something that unconsciously affects how we relate with our partners. For example, some men are quick to compliment other women, but never do the same for their wives.

Impression management: 

Secondly, we are involuntarily motivated to make a good impression on those who do not know us, even when we do not really mean to.

Now, this is not a bad thing, in fact, according to sociologist, Erving Goffman, impression management is a normal way of human interaction.

He argues that in any situation of interaction, we decide what impression to put forward, to reap the highest dividend from that interaction.

With this understanding, we are more likely to want to create positive impressions on others and not our partners.

The problem with this is that it suggests that our partner’s opinion, or what he or she thinks about us, does not matter to us.

Catch partner’s attention:

Another possible reason, which I believe is problematic, is when one uses his/her behaviour toward others to send a message to their partner.

This might happen when one feels that their partner is not paying enough attention to them, or in a case where there are unresolved issues in the relationship.

A good example is when a couple attends a function together, only for the disgruntled partner to ignore the other while appearing to have a terrific time with others, even flirting with others.

In this case, the aggrieved partner is trying to get the attention of his partner by making him jealous. This might point to a more serious communication breakdown, and while it might succeed in drawing a partner’s attention, it might also breed resentment, and make an already bad situation worse.

If you are one of the people who were taught to serve guests with the best plates and reserve the old cracked ones for your loved ones, maybe it is time to unlearn this.

Start by realising that your partner comes first.