True friends should treat you as an equal

The need to have someone to call a friend is as real as hunger. Essentially, friends are supposed to make our lives happier, more bearable during tough times and they should watch our backs when we need someone to protect us. PHOTO | FILE 

In Summary

• As far as friendships go, having things in common is a good place to start. It comes in handy when you need to have small talk, which is most of the time.
• Instead of getting herself a real friend, she got a blood sucker who is sucking the personality out of her. Even the day she becomes successful, Friend B will have no idea who she really is, and I suspect she will always feel inefficient.

By CIKU KIMANI-MWANIKI
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Regardless of whether you are a loner or the outgoing type, as long as you are human, you have a very strong “social animal” instinct; the need to have someone to call a friend is as real as hunger.

Essentially, friends are supposed to make our lives happier, more bearable during tough times and they should watch our backs when we need someone to protect us.

If you have a friend like this, call them up right now and thank them because, as much as scientists and egotists claim that human beings are extremely intelligent animals, the intelligence of choosing the right friends eludes many people.

A quick analogy using a friendship I recently “studied”. Two women, different in more ways than one, like night and day.

UNEQUALLY YOKED

Woman A is the epitome of success: successful in business, drop-dead gorgeous, foreign holidays about three times a year, foreign business trips about once a month, drives top-of-the-range cars and if you do not mind not seeing vegetation, her neighbourhood is the perfect concrete jungle.

Woman B: clearly ambitious and has no doubt that one day she will be a success. She is fairly attractive and will definitely turn enough heads, but not in the presence of her drop-dead gorgeous friend, especially because she has this habit of “shrinking” when friend A is around.

Woman B has been to Tanzania once and will mention this fact often, like she wants you to know that she “does” foreign trips like her friend. I felt sorry for her because, no matter how successful she ends up being, she will  forever be in her friend’s shadow.

I silently marvelled at the two and wondered how they ended up being friends – they did not seem to have anything in common, except for the love of lovely shoes.

But even that love is questionable; I gathered that the successful one is a bit of an Imelda Marcos, and once in a while when she wants to “trim down” her shoe closet, she asks her shadow to choose what she wants.

I know this because Friend A did mention it at some point, perhaps as a way of showing us her benevolent side? I do not think so, but it did paint her friend as needy.  

SMALL TALK

As far as friendships go, having things in common is a good place to start. It comes in handy when you need to have small talk, which is most of the time.

There is a thin line between judging people and analysing them – I shall ignore that thin line and categorically say that I was analysing the two women: one is a successful woman with a super ego that needs to be constantly fed – you know, sort of like a vain lawn that needs water two or three times a day.

I can bet a few dollars that woman A will never have friends equal to her because they will not suck up, they will challenge her, and she cannot handle it.

As for woman B? Well, how can I put it nicely? You know when they tell you that the five people you associate with most, you eventually become? I think she took that statement too literally, but instead of getting herself a real friend, she got a blood sucker who is sucking the personality out of her. Even the day she becomes successful, Friend B will have no idea who she really is, and I suspect she will always feel inefficient.

WINNING EQUATION

This is my contribution for this week, towards saving world friendship sanity:

Real friendships should have neither underdogs nor top dogs. True, different characters and temperaments dictate that one person will dominate a friendship, but if  it becomes detrimental and unhealthy, like the one above, then something needs to give before somebody’s sanity does.

•  If you find yourself constantly agreeing with everything your friend says while deep down you disagree and actually want to punch her for her silly opinion, sister, look around for an equal partner. That one is mentally beyond your capacity.
•  It is well and good to surround yourself with people who are going places, but you should also  remember that different people have different paces for getting there, and no friend should be allowed to make you feel inefficient. If you are doing your best, you need to take a step back and stop “looking down on yourself”. You might not be a success to your friends, but you are a success to somebody else. That should count. nay, must count.
•  If you have a friend who keeps going on and on about their successes, especially when you are going through a difficult time, again you might need to re-advertise your best friend forever (bff) position because that person is not building you; they are working hard to make you feel six inches tall so they can feel six feet tall.

Let us celebrate real friends!