The lies my colleagues tell!

The need to fornicate has driven my bearded comrades to develop a combination of lies that even the Devil himself looks upon with jealousy. ILLUSTRATION | NGARI 

In Summary

• There is this boy in an institution of higher learning who had been eyeing a pulchritudinous lass and all he could think of was getting her between the sheets.
• He thought of every imaginable trick that he could use to taste the forbidden fruit but all his efforts led to naught. Not one to give up easily, the comrade went ahead and came up with the most bizarre lie that guaranteed him 100 per cent results.
• He approached the girl and claimed to be in possession of infallible intelligence that pointed to a possible terrorist attack by Al Shabaab at their college that weekend.

By JOWAL JONES
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To give credit where it’s due, I must say my comrades are very creative fellows.

However, they all seem to apply this creativity in asinine ways, such as innovating ways of cheating in exams and inventing new methods of ingesting marijuana. Until last week, I thought I had seen it all.

But one incident reported in the papers this week left my old man, Grandpa Richard, utterly flabbergasted.

The pensioner, who kept shaking his head in stunned incredulity, found it hard to wrap his head around the lies that my comrades tell (and fall for) just so they can get laid. 

There is this boy in an institution of higher learning who had been eyeing a pulchritudinous lass and all he could think of was getting her between the sheets.

He thought of every imaginable trick that he could use to taste the forbidden fruit but all his efforts led to naught.

SAFE LODGINGS

Not one to give up easily, the comrade went ahead and came up with the most bizarre lie that guaranteed him 100 per cent results.

He approached the girl and claimed to be in possession of infallible intelligence that pointed to a possible terrorist attack by Al Shabaab at their college that weekend.

With memories of the Garrissa University attack that claimed 147 lives still lingering in our minds, we cannot exactly blame the girl for swallowing the cockamamie hook, line and sinker.

Police say the boy’s trick worked perfectly as the two spent Friday and Saturday nights lodging in the nearby town.

Terrified by the thought of her colleagues losing their lives when she could have prevented it, the girl leaked the information to a few comrades, who fled the campus, setting in motion a chain of events that involved panicking parents and detectives, who finally traced the two students to the lodging.

All this because someone wanted to engage in some hanky-panky!

One must admit that the story, though ignoble, bears a hilarity equivalent to those Whispers columns of yore.

The need to fornicate has driven my bearded comrades to develop a combination of lies that even the Devil himself looks upon with jealousy.

CARNAL REVISION

I have been informed of one pathetic fellow who managed to bed a girl because he lied to her that he is the columnist who runs Comrades in ZuQka. I kid you not!

When he calls you to his place at odd hours for “revision”, it doesn’t take rocket scientist to discern that the only knowledge you’ll gain is carnal knowledge.

Visit his place overnight only if you want to do the Devil’s Dance. Girls allergic to common sense are the ones who fall for the “Just the tip” line. And from the makers of “Let’s a watch a movie” also comes another blockbuster, “I just wanna cuddle.”

As a girl who intends to withhold the cookie until marriage, you need to be more assertive to avoid falling for such tricks.

Even when he swears upon a stack of holy books that he loves you, it might just turn out to be another item from his bag of tricks to engage in his horny shagathons with you