My wife cannot stop flirting with another man via text messages

Five years ago, I noticed that my wife was flirting with another man on her phone, I confronted her and she apologised. This has since happened about seven more times with the same man and each time I confront her, we end up involving a third party to reconcile us and I forgive her. PHOTO | FILE 

In Summary

• This has since happened about seven more times with the same man and each time I confront her, we end up involving a third party to reconcile us and I forgive her. Last week, I discovered more messages and I could not take it any more.
• I am unable to deal with this issue any more and I am contemplating leaving her to continue her affair with this man but it is against my Christian values.
• I believe most relationships need to understand that an affair at whatever level destroys the fabric of a relationship.

By PHILIP KITOTO
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Dear Kitoto,

I have been married for the last 15 years and we have three children. Five years ago, I noticed that my wife was flirting with another man on her phone, I confronted her and she apologised. I thought it was just a one off and forgot about it.

This has since happened about seven more times with the same man and each time I confront her, we end up involving a third party to reconcile us and I forgive her. Last week, I discovered more messages and I could not take it any more.

I am unable to deal with this issue any more and I am contemplating leaving her to continue her affair with this man but it is against my Christian values.

She has since changed her number and apologised and even sent a good friend to talk to me. What do I do?

Anthony

Hi,

I believe most relationships need to understand that an affair at whatever level destroys the fabric of a relationship. When flirting or physical contact that involves intimacy is entered into by one spouse, it reveals several things:

First, expectations are violated. It is important to note that, the offended spouse feels like the other person has created a space for unfaithful practice that results in a lack of trust in the relationship.

As much as the offended feels this way, the offender may feel driven to such an action.

This becomes a crude way of crying out for completion and fulfilment.

PAINFUL TALK

Yes, I know that this is not reason to justify their action, but can it be reason enough to make the offended spouse ask questions that are more inclusive. For example, “What could I be doing or not doing that is in one way or another that is encouraging this habit?”

A growing and healthy relationship should provide a window where free and honest talk can take place — however painful such talk might be.

Second, intentions need to move to a level of responsible behaviour. In relationships where an offending spouse continues with the habit and continues making empty promises it becomes clear that good intentions alone can not heal the relationship.

Helping you wife understand that actions have consequences and that consequences could be expensive to a relationship is key.

Though her intentions may look valid, they remain ‘just good intentions’ that provide no positive support to the relationship.

Third, clear and measurable targets that encourage healing must be set.

Most spouses that are going through pain may do a great job in talking about the need for making things better, however, little is done to set measurable goals that are jointly agreed up.

Healing happens faster within certain set parameters.