The workplace is a shark tank full of pot-bellied, lustful and hungry wolves that salivate after young girls.
It
has mean-looking and jealous older women — the generals- who envy your
curvaceous body and malicious colleagues whose only wish is your
downfall.
So how does a girl manoeuvre the jungle that is the workplace? The answers are simple.
Use your charm: Most
likely your boss or supervisor will be a man who has a very low opinion
of you. A man’s greatest weakness is his ego. Stroke it. Tell him what
he wants to hear.
A little flirtation never kills.
Compliment him without crossing the red line. Tell him he looks good,
even though his bulging stomach makes him resemble a baby hippo.
“Have
you been working out lately? You are in such great shape!’ is a
compliment that works magic. Say something nice about his shoes, even if
he has only one pair.
Tell him how that tie brings
out his masculinity. If you spot him donning a new suit, say it makes
his look sharp and younger even if it is two sizes bigger. Finally, men
like it when you complement their abilities. Tell him you admire his
work ethics and you would like to consider him as a mentor.
Choose your battles: Haters
will hate you, no matter what you do. Once you are the male boss’s
favourite, rumours will fly. One such a lie that flies fast is that you
were spotted at the pub with your boss watching Netherlands crash Spain.
Ignore those rumours. Even if they are true, don’t confirm or deny.
Female
bosses are like eggs. Be careful how you treat them. Most female bosses
are bitchy, why lie. They are too busy protecting their jobs and trying
to get babies in their late 30s. Openly show her respect and that you
are not interested in anything she has. Pretend you look up to her even
if the sight of her is nauseating.
Be an opportunist: If
you bump into the CEO in a lift? Pitch a great idea and he will never
forget your pretty face. On a trip with the boss? Sit next to him or
her throughout the journey and tell them all the great ideas you have in
your mind.
Bumped into one of the company’s directors
at the mall? Boldly walk up to them, introduce yourself and start a
conversation. Unless of course he is accompanied with his wife.
Just
found out that you and the human resource director go to the same
church? Tell him on Monday and he will look forward to seeing you next
Sunday, and he will know you by name and face. Such opportunities come
only once. Seize them.
Dress to impress:
There is no two way about this. You must always look great in the
office, even when you are having a bad day. Nobody turns down a
well-dressed girl.
When life gives you curves, flaunt
them. Life is too short for dress-down Fridays. People hardly harass a
lady in a skirt or a dress. Be endearing without being trashy.
Don’t be nice: In
the office jungle; you are either a lion or an antelope. Be the lion.
Fruits of the Holy Spirit like long-suffering and gentleness don’t
apply. The office is a man-eat-man society, you must do whatever it
takes to eat or survive.
It will require you to steel
yourself for the tough journey and brace yourself for tough calls that
will come in tough times. Sometimes you will have to be brutal, bitchy
and heartless.
Especially to those who want to throw
you into inflation. Other times you will be required to sacrifice or
compromise. Don’t worry, it happens even to the best of us. After all,
the end justifies the means.
YOUR FEEDBACK
As
always, dear readers, you added colour to my weekend by emailing me
with your empathy, reprimand and downright humour. Here they are:
“You
deserved to be dumped! Secondly, all men will flee from you because of
your pointless ego and your attitude. Your man left you
simply
because he needs a woman, not a bartender who goes to parties to drink.
Shame on you! Style up! You make Kenyan men sick.”
Winstone Mutali
Winstone Mutali
***************
“Hey.
After going through your articles, I have come to the conclusion your
main agenda is just to whip up emotions. I think you are a loser,
average looking country girl and going through a turbulent time. Get a
life (man),”
Cool Eric
***************
“I
am dismayed that you are giving this column space on a weekly basis.
Please, I recommend that Njoki is given an assignment to look after
goats and cows for a protracted period in an arid region. This will
deprive her of her notions of entitlement to material wealth, physically
remove her from anything more than essential material goods, give her a
good dose of nature, and plenty of time to ruminate on the ills of such
a City Girl mentality. Let us hope she begins to mature into a worthy
woman as a result,”
Steve Smith
****************
“Hey
babe! aki si unahate mahustlers tuuu saana! I think your article is so
demeaning not only to women but also men! Acha chuki,” Kamge
**********
“Hi
Njoki, Keep up the good work. I am in my early 40s and I wish I knew
what you know now when I was your age. What you are saying is the truth
and men and women need to stop pretending and face the facts.
I
wish I never married my college-mate who ended up being a broke loser. I
eventually left him but after 10 years of an emotionally draining
marriage.
You keep up with the honest writing and
don’t let the hate mail detract you. Your fans could be simply smiling
knowing that you are on point. Looking forward to Saturdays,”
Caroline Mackenzie
****************
“If indeed it’s a true occurrence, me thinks you deserved better
treatment than you actually got. Maybe and just maybe, meeting me would
accord you an opportunity to get a completely different and probably
better treatment. Just checking on you. I trust you are good. I hope
this won’t form part of your next article,”
Joseph Ouma.
***************
“Dear
Njoki, your article is moving indeed. But it looks like you are just to
settle scores with men. Do you have inadequacies that makes you fight
and claw men left, right and centre?”
Nyange Ngonda
*********
“I
blame you for this break up, and I know though you didn’t cry
physically, you were wailing inside. My point is, you were the one to
blame. Tolerance is a virtue, and honesty is a good thing.
If
I were in his shoes, I would do the same, because is so heart-wrecking
to know the one you trust is playing tricks on you. It has occurred to
me and it hurts. All the same, I love your column,”
Solomon Karanja
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