She left me, had a baby with her lover, and now wants us to be an item again

We lived in different towns for some time but continued dating. She got pregnant by another man without my knowledge and only told me about it towards the end of the pregnancy. She delivered a baby boy. PHOTO | FILE 

In Summary

• In relationships, forgiveness is key. There are people and situations we can forgive and forget. However, you must realise that feelings do not make things right. Making conscious decisions or choices regarding what is practicable is key. Remember, the baby will always be around to remind you of her betrayal.
• If you take her back, you will have to help raise the child. You will have to make a conscious decision not to throwing the issue back in her face every time you argue.

By PHILIP KITOTO
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Dear Kitoto,

 I’m in a relationship with a woman I met in college four years ago. We were in love and clearly set for long-term commitment. When we finished college, we lived in different towns for some time but continued dating. She got pregnant by another man without my knowledge and only told me about it towards the end of the pregnancy. She delivered a baby boy.

I was upset and lost interest in her so I kept my distance. Recently, she approached me to renew our relationship. I’m confused because  I loved her a lot. I’m concerned about the child and finding it a bit hard to come to terms with the fact that we were together before she left me for another man who dumped her, and now she wants me back.

Can the relationship work out to the point of marriage or should I leave her?

Fredrick

Hi,

The truth about your relationship is that she cheated on you and had a baby with someone else. This is something you have to live with, whether you get back together or not. It cannot just be wished away.

First, take time and really think about the issue with a sober mind. How well did you know her? Was she an honest friend or was she the type you related with on a need-to-know basis? This is important because if she loved you the way you seem to feel about her, there is no way she could have just walked out on you and had a baby with someone else.

Second, could the distance have made her feel disconnected from you? What was going on between the two of you. If you were as tight as you seem to portray, then there must have been something that drove her away that she was not willing to share with you. This is something she must disclose. You need to know why she left and what makes her feel it could be different this time round.

Third, in relationships, forgiveness is key. There are people and situations we can forgive and forget. However, you must realise that feelings do not make things right. Making conscious decisions or choices regarding what is practicable is key. Remember, the baby will always be around to remind you of her betrayal. If you don’t forgive her completely, then the fact that she  cheated on you will always be a thorn in your flesh. If you do get back together, you must be willing to forgive and take accept her as she is. But make sure you understand the consequences of such a decision.

If you take her back, you will have to help raise the child. You will have to make a conscious decision not to throwing the issue back in her face every time you argue. Therefore, focus first on your feelings. Love is a willingness to take responsibility. This applies to both of you.

Finally, if you were to get back together, bear in mind that this baby has a biological father, who is not you. In addition, there is a level of association and attachment there. Talk about how that relationship could affect yours. Whether the two of you make up and get back together will depend on you and how you deal with these issues.