Dating during divorce

It is every couple’s dream to be true to the vow “till death do us part.” However, the reality is that marriages do not always last.PHOTO | FILE 

In Summary

• If you are engaged in legal divorce proceedings, you will do well to consult your divorce lawyer on what the implications of dating before your divorce is finalised are.
• For instance, would it be considered an act of adultery if you date another man before your marriage is dissolved?

By SIMON MBURU
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It is every couple’s dream to be true to the vow “till death do us part.” However, the reality is that marriages do not always last.

And when they do come to an end, the formerly cordial partners have to deal with feelings on loneliness and stress as they process the divorce.

To deal with such feelings, you may long to be with someone new who will make you feel desirable and wanted again, and with divorce proceedings sometimes dragging on for years, you may not have the patience to wait for the divorce to be finalised before starting to date again.

While it is perfectly normal to want to move on, should you go ahead to start a new romance in the period before the divorce is finalised? Well,  here are some things to think about before you take that step:

LEGAL IMPLICATIONS: If you are engaged in legal divorce proceedings, you will do well to consult your divorce lawyer on what the implications of dating before your divorce is finalised are.

For instance, would it be considered an act of adultery if you date another man before your marriage is dissolved?

According to Murigi Kamande, an advocate of the High Court, it is technically wrong to date while still in the middle of a divorce. In the same vein, only consider dating when you have been physically separated.

Bear in mind that dating while still staying together with your spouse could be said to be one of the reasons why your marriage failed in court.

Further, according to online family law portal DivorceNet, don’t do anything in the presence of your kids that you wouldn’t be comfortable narrating in court. If you can avoid telling them that you’re dating, the better. “Don’t also get pregnant before the divorce is final to avoid prolonging your case in order to verify paternity and determine custody and support for the new baby,” adds DivorceNet.

Be honest and clear on whether you’re ready or not: Not many suitable partners will want to date a ‘married’ person before her divorce is fully finalised and the dust has settled.

To start dating on the right foot, be clear on whether you want your marriage back or whether you have moved on and are ready to explore the possibility of starting a new relationship.

For instance, ask yourself what would happen should your partner want to make things right and reconcile. Would you leave your new partner for your ex? Or would you stand your ground about ending the marriage?

YOUR NEW DATE: If you meet a new interesting person, be ready to open up about how far your divorce process has gone, what your relationship with your ex-partner is, and what your intentions are.

This will allow your new date to understand what stage you’re in, whether or not you’re ready emotionally and what it will take to be with you. “Dating a separated person is taking a risk. Some divorces may not be complicated and some people will be ready to move on fast, but many of those in the process of divorce aren’t.

The trick is for the new partner to know and see how he can cope,” says dating expert and author of Back in the Game, Dr Christie Hartman. Nonetheless, spare your new partner the agony of details pertaining to your divorce. According to Dr Hartman, “the new person you go out with is your date, and not your shrink.

Deal with your divorce on your own time and exclusively focus on him when you’re together,” she says.

COMMIT AND SHIELD YOUR DATE: Do not overwhelm your partner with unwarranted need for attention and emotional selfishness. Bear in mind that he wants you to reciprocate his acts of affection towards you.

“Avoid bringing drama into his life. Shield him from your ex.  And even though you feel more needy during your divorce, focus on him and what he wants from your budding relationship and see how you can fulfill his needs,” says Dr Hartman.

Reconciliation: You may opt to go back and try to work things out with your partner. It will be best, in such a scenario that you go slow on dating. You also shouldn’t date if you’re on a trial separation period. Bear in mind that if you’re seeking to reconcile with your partner, dating someone else will only put make it harder to do so.