There is no right or wrong way to grieve for family

There is no simple answer to grieve for family. Photo/Joseph Barasa 

By Dr Frank Njenga

In a recent accident, I lost my brother and his two children. The wife survived and is still in a coma. This has brought lots of grief to our family, for besides the funeral, we are coping with huge hospital burden.

We have so many unanswered questions and the pain is unbearable. We feel and know that life will never be the same again. Is there no other way to grieve without pain? Are there healthy ways to grieve? Please help.

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How to cope with the death of a member of a family has been the subject of many discussions, both within families and among students of human behaviour.

Psychiatrists, psychologists, lay and professional counsellors have daily contact with families similar to yours. You may wish to seek help from one of them.

The situation you describe however seems more serious than most, in part because it is recent, but also because it involves a first degree relative and his children. A near impossible situation for you is made worse by the potential of financial difficulties.

Only because yours is so difficult, and we are unlikely to give you a satisfactory answer to this very complex question, we will start with a general description of the deep end, and see if we can end with some of the easier questions. We start with a story.

A man travelling with his family from a wedding had clearly drank too much, and relatives had tried to stop him driving home. As many people do in that state, he insisted, and in a tragic road accident, his two children and his wife died.

When he recovered from the coma after several weeks, his two other children had been taken by his in-laws. In time, the matter reached the elders and it was decided that because he had “killed” his wife and children, he was not a responsible parent and could not be trusted with the surviving children.

In yet another difficult case, the parents of a woman in coma whose husband and child had died in a similar accident would not allow the family of the dead man to visit their daughter.

The argument of these parents was that upon the death of their son-in-law, his side of the family should take lesser role in the care of the patient. This war of words persisted between the two grief-stricken families for several months.

Such are the issues in the deep end of grief in families. No two situations are the same (or even similar) and more often than not, the emotional turmoil within and among family members often obscure any light in such a debate, leaving the situation difficult and fluid. Matters often become worse should the patient die.

From the deep end, we must move to the other extreme where faith in God in whatever form or shape can be an excellent insulation from the earthly pain of death of a loved one.

For such believers, life comes from God and upon death, the dead join their creator in eternal harmony and peace. The dead go to a place without pain, sorrow or suffering. Their life on earth was a gift from God and their departure must be celebrated at all times. Life is the will of God and death takes place in His time.

Most people do not exist in either of these two extremes and are to be found in different levels of depth in this scenario.