Love life is flat when a couple seeks equality

Maybe couples should be searching for complementary lifestyles, rather than an exactly equal split of the work. ILLUSTRATION| IGAH 

In Summary

• They say you should both work, because it’s the only way to fulfilment. And should both do the housework and childcare, because anything else would be unfair.
• But exactly equal careers and 50/50 housework just simply never happen. And so whoever’s doing the most housework feels resentful because society tells them they’re doing something a bit sad.
• While whoever’s earning more feels resentful because they feel their partner just doesn’t realise how stressed and exhausted they’re getting.

By CHRIS HART
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You’ve been working hard all day: endless stressful meetings and arguments. You’re tired, feeling a bit sorry for yourself, looking forward to a meal and a beer. And lots of sympathy from your wife.

Meanwhile, she’s been juggling her job with managing the house: the cleaning, shopping, and getting the children ready for bed. Now she can’t wait for you to get home and take over, read the children a story and kiss them goodnight. She’s tired, feeling a bit sorry for herself, looking forward to a meal and a glass of wine. And lots of sympathy from you…

You can guess what’s going to happen next.

Disappointment. And resentment.

You’re resentful because you feel she doesn’t appreciate how hard you work. The pressure to succeed and earn more. All you want to do tonight is wind down. So why won’t your wife stop nagging and understand how tired you are?

She’s resentful because she feels you underestimate her career – and don’t appreciate her work at home. So when you finally arrive, she’s desperate for a break, and annoyed at you going on as if you’re the only one entitled to feel tired.

SELFISH, UNGRATEFUL

Every couple feels their particular spouse is selfish and ungrateful. But actually, the problem’s universal. It comes from modern ideas of marriage.

They say you should both work, because it’s the only way to fulfilment. And should both do the housework and childcare, because anything else would be unfair.

But exactly equal careers and 50/50 housework just simply never happen. And so whoever’s doing the most housework feels resentful because society tells them they’re doing something a bit sad.

While whoever’s earning more feels resentful because they feel their partner just doesn’t realise how stressed and exhausted they’re getting.

So the move towards equality in marriage has just replaced respect with resentment.

There’s another problem. When couples try to split the housework 50/50 – the cleaning, cooking and childcare – then their love life goes flat. That’s because moving away from the traditional division of labour reduces sexual satisfaction, especially hers.

OK, I’m pretty sure wives really do feel closer to their husband when he helps with the housework. As he should of course. But is she really aroused by a man doing dishes? Because we’re often turned on at night by exactly the same things we hate during the day. Like the woman who wants her husband to take charge in bed. Next morning she’ll say he’s controlling. So sadly, there’s a lot less romance in modern marriages. And much more resentment.

That’s because the sexes are not as interchangeable as they seem. It may go against modern individualistic ideas, but maybe couples should be searching for complementary lifestyles, rather than an exactly equal split of the work. So they can both achieve more working together than either could on their own.

And maybe society should be more respectful of the partners’ equally important but different contributions towards the relationship.