RELATIONSHIPS 101: Are you a thoughtful partner or a selfish one?

‘I am sorry’ is just part of the apology, to complete it, there should be a tangible gesture that your wronged partner can touch, feel, or observe. PHOTO | FILE 

In Summary

• Of course there are many instances when we can do nothing to make it up to someone, especially in regard to sins of commission, such as cheating.
• The idea here, however, is that when we have wronged someone and we know there is something we can do to make it up to them, we ought to make an attempt.

By SHADRACK KIRUNGA
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Consider this scenario: Jane and Paul are in a relationship that they hope will lead to marriage, but there is a problem. According to Jane, Paul never makes it up to her for anything. Whenever he fails to meet an obligation or fails to keep a promise, all he does is apologise.

For example, when they plan to watch a movie and agree that Paul will buy the tickets, chances are that by the time they meet, he will not have bought them. They end up getting the worst seats, or find that the tickets have been sold out. He apologises profusely, but does nothing beyond that. He does not make it up to her, something that makes her resentful of him.

If you can relate to this, either as the oppressor or the victim, here are a few issues to ponder.

The Cambridge online dictionary defines making it up to someone this way: “to do something good for someone you have upset, in order to become friends with them again.”  It is a step beyond an apology. In my view, saying ‘I am sorry’ is just part of the apology, to complete it, there should be tangible gesture that your wronged partner can touch, feel, or observe.

MAKE AN ATTEMPT

Of course there are many instances when we can do nothing to make it up to someone, especially in regard to sins of commission, such as cheating.

The idea here, however, is that when we have wronged someone and we know there is something we can do to make it up to them, we ought to make an attempt.

That said, I need to make it clear that this cannot replace a verbal apology. Saying ‘I am sorry’ is usually difficult, and it might be easier for some to do ‘things’ to avoid the verbal expression of remorse. Here is a classic example. You fail to show up for a dinner date which your partner had spent a fortune on. He is hurt by your no show, but what hurts more is that rather than apologise, you offer to pay for the next dinner.

That is not right. An honest, sincere apology must first be given before something to reinforce it can be done.

So why should you seek to make it up to your partner? I think it shows that you are committed to him/her and that his/her needs and feelings matter to you.

As for Paul and Jane above, she is hurt because Paul does not seem to care about her feelings. She at least thought that he would change and keep his end of the bargain instead of simply saying, “I am sorry” over and over again.

Like you do in all grievances, discuss your feelings openly with your partner. This is important because there might be a difference of opinions in regard to what is sufficient to make amends, or if making it up to someone is necessary at all. Speaking your mind will ensure that both of you are in the same page before you start addressing the actual issue.

An apology is the first step to healing, but making it up to our loved ones whenever it is possible, acceptable and appropriate is also important.

So go on and make it up to your partner, it might not be the same, but it communicates an important message - that you care.