At 80 years of age, Barbara Baker never thought she’d find love
again, let alone get married. She lost her husband of 45 years, the
father of her five children, 19 years ago and had been living on her own
since.
But in April last year she met Leslie, 85, over a game of dominoes at
a day centre. She proposed to him three weeks later because the
frequent taxi rides ferrying Leslie to and from her home were getting
too expensive, and they married in August.
“How’s that for quick? I ain’t slow on the uptake,” she says with a
twinkle in her eye. “I thought I would never marry again because I had a
lot of children and marriage [wasn’t an option]. It’s hard to explain. I
fell in love .”
Barbara and Leslie are part of a growing cohort of older adults who found love in later life. According to figures published by the Office for National Statistics,
marriage in 2012 was up 5% – the highest total in any year since 2004 –
and older men and women are leading the way, with the biggest leap in
marriages among those aged between 65 and 70. The number of grooms in
their late 60s increased by 35% (2011-12) to 3,520, and the number of
brides of the same age rose by 21%, to 1,990. One in 10 had been single,
two-thirds divorced, and the rest widowed before tying the knot.
It’s not just heterosexual couples that are saying “I do”, though. A
total of 1,409 marriages were formed between same-sex couples between 29
March and 30 June 2014. Of these, 32 were between people aged over 65.
And, from 2008 to 2012, there were 1,997 civil partnerships among the
over-65s.
Roger Newman, 73, who lives in Margate, Kent, was in a similar
situation to Barbara when he met Nigel Hurley, 60. Newman had been
living alone for five years after his partner, Michael, died of an
asbestos-related cancer in 2004.
“I never thought I’d meet someone,” he says. “I thought that after
Michael died, that would be it and I’d be like so many other gay men
that I knew who were widowed; I thought I’d just go on and on and on
alone.”
When they met on a chatline, Hurley was going through a divorce and
had started seeing men for the first time in his life. He says: “Seeing
guys was always there in my head but I’d never acted on it because I was
married. Then I met Roger and that was it. We clicked.”
Hurley proposed on New Year’s Eve in Gran Canaria where the couple
spend Christmas each year. They had watched the fireworks on a rooftop
and then gone to sit in a quiet bar.
“It was pretty unromantic really,” says Newman. “There was no on one
knee or anything like that,” chips in Hurley. “It was just, you know,
what do you think?”
At their civil partnership ceremony in March, the pair walked down
the red carpeted aisle dressed in suits and rainbow ties to the Proclaimers’ Let’s Get Married.
They each wrote their own vows which, despite neither knowing what
the other was going to write, echoed each other almost word for word.
Afterwards, about 50 guests went back to their house and a neighbour set
off a firework display in his garden.
Both couples are a great advert for marriage in later life, but Roger
and Nigel’s path, in particular, has not been entirely smooth. Some of
Hurley’s friends and family were shocked at his new relationship. He had
been an evangelical church minister and since he left, people he
thought were friends have not been in touch. “They don’t agree with
divorce,” he says, “and then the gay thing – I’m virtually growing horns
out the top of my head in their eyes.”
When Nigel (left) and Roger started talking, Nigel was going through a
divorce and had started seeing men for the first time in his life.
Newman adds: “No one comes to situations like this without a certain
amount of struggle. What we’ve been through is a part of how things are
and how they will be.” Barbara Bloomfield, a Relate counsellor and author of The Mature Guide to Love, Relationships and Sex,
recognises that family can also be a problem. Issues around inheritance
and blended families can impede a relationship. Another factor
preventing a happy marriage in later life is that older people can
become set in their ways.
Despite that, though, she says the benefits to starting a
relationship in later life far outweigh the risks. A report by Relate, Who Will Love Me When I’m 64? The Importance of Relationships in Later Life,
says relationships promote good physical and mental health.
Epidemiologists have documented a link between social isolation and an
increased risk of death among older people. Good quality relationships
have been shown to protect against a range of illnesses, from the common
cold to cancer and cardiovascular diseases.
Newman says: “As human beings, we’re not meant to be alone. However
much of a challenge it is to be with another person, our lives are
richer because of it.”
He adds: “It’s worth it because you get a tremendous amount out of
being with someone … As gay people, we are much more likely to be living
alone than heterosexual people. It’s a big issue. I’m really grateful
that I’ve got somebody. But we’ve had to work at it.”
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Back at the Hanover retirement home where Barbara and Leslie live, meanwhile, the couple are tucking into tea and cake.
Barbara takes a long look at Leslie and says, “I wouldn’t be without you.”
“Pardon?” he replies.
“I wouldn’t be without you,” she repeats a bit louder.
“I’m too good.”
“Cheeky.”
For them and the thousands of others who have formed new
relationships in their later years, life has taken on a romantic glow.
And, while numbers of marriages in later life may be small now, given
that there will be 20 million over-65s by 2031, a sprinkling of confetti
at this stage, may eventually turn into tonnes of the stuff relatively
soon.
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