It is a well-established fact that following the death of a wife, the
widower then follows, often because of a “broken heart”. File
By Dr Frank Njenga
In Summary
Why should the people of the local community welcome him back, now that he cannot offer any public service?
My father recently retired to a lonely rural home
after many years of public service in Nairobi. Although he has money to
rely on, and we are there for him — although we stay in Nairobi and he
is in Nyahururu — we feel that loneliness might kill him faster than any
ailment.
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My mother passed on some five years ago and at times we
think that it would be fine if my dad got a companion. But how do we
tell him this or should we let the river flow its course?
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The first day of work must be the day one starts
planning for their retirement. This ideal, however, is neither realistic
nor is it achieved by many people. When did your father start planning?
Like taking up medical insurance, many people start
to plan retirement when it is too late and the damage has already been
done. In the case of your father, life seems to have placed him in
double jeopardy, first by removing him from Nairobi, and secondly by
taking his wife away.
You tell us that your father lived and worked in Nairobi in the public service until his retirement.
What then is he doing in Nyahururu? It sounds as
though he has moved from his home in Nairobi to a house in some far away
land, which is not only cold (for an old man without a wife) but where
he is surrounded by total strangers whose lifestyle is completely
different from his. He is urban and they are rural farmers!
On the assumption that he was by definition an
urban dweller most of his adult life, the changes he must now make to
his lifestyle are almost too drastic for an old man’s body to take.
If, for example, he was the kind of public servant
who had a wide social circle of friends and workmates, who met in the
evenings and weekends at the clubs, life in Nyahururu is a prescription
for disaster. Where does a 65-year-old man start finding new friends?
Does he join the local church, development group or
chama, or does he try to attend every funeral and wedding he hears
about? Why should the people of the local community welcome him back,
now that he no longer can offer any services from public service? How
much had he invested in the local community before retirement anyway?
Just because he had bought the farm, built a house
and had a few farm hands working there does not allow your father to
impose himself on the Nyahururu community, which has over the years
developed its own systems of coping. He is a stranger who is trying to
claim a position in the community that belongs to the locals.
I have seen many men of my generation retire and
“go home”. For many, like your father, “home” in their case is a
misnomer because after leaving, say, Seme in Kisumu or Kasigau in Taita
after high school, their only other contact with “home” is to attend
funerals! Even weddings of their children are held in Nairobi.
When their parents fell ill, they would be brought
to Nairobi for “better care”. All their adult lives have been spent in
Runda or Makongeni. For these people to then expose themselves to
conditions of adversity they have no experience of is at best negligent
and at worst suicidal.
The second challenge your father must confront is
the death of his wife five years ago. It is a well-established fact,
that following the death of a wife, the widower then follows, often
because of a “broken heart”. An old study showed this to be true in the
case of men over the age of 70 who tend to die of heart attacks.
Other reasons may also contribute to your father
feeling alone and neglected. If, for example, your father relied heavily
on his wife to manage the home, it is possible that he is, for the
first time in his life, having to manage an area of his life, without
any prior exposure.
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