Dating with purpose

PHOTO | FILE A couple enjoy a meal together. a man will want to go through certain stages with you before deciding that you are the one he wants to spend forever after with.  FOTOSEARCH | NATION MEDIA GROUP

In Summary

• Get the commitment you want – or nip bad relationships in the bud before they start – by understanding what each dating stage looks like.

By Joan Thatiah
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Dictionary.com describes dating as “having an appointment for a particular time, especially with a person to whom one is sexually or romantically attached.”

While the average Kenyan woman seems to have grasped this concept, she is still making mistakes when it comes to the dating process.

 

Your heart is in the right place. You have been going to all the right places, catching the eye of who you think are the right men but your relationships are over long before they get off the ground.

Or they start off on a promising note only to fizzle out with no warning.

So why are you still single? Your poor dating habits are to blame. It appears as if the culture of passivity that is synonymous with today’s dating world is leaving many women single long after they set off on their quest to snare a good man to walk them down the aisle.

Saturday Magazine spoke to a number of men about today’s dating scene. The most salient mistake that women are making today, according these men, is dating aimlessly just because a man is attractive or because she can date him but without the outcome in mind. Can a woman deliberately date with the intention of marriage? The men said, yes.

According to those that we spoke to, a man will want to go through certain stages with you before deciding that you are the one he wants to spend forever after with.

From those conversations, we draw you a roadmap to what a man thinks through the various stages of dating and how to make the most of each stage so that your relationship keeps moving forward.

Fantasy or enchantment stage

The fantasy stage is the first stage when boy meets girl. You are playful and you only see the best of each other. According to Denis Mulei who runs a printing and branding company in Nairobi, at this point, all a man feels is pure physical attraction.

He is likely to flood his love interest with gifts or maybe take you out on a string of dates because he likes you and wants to impress you but not because he loves you as some women wrongly imagine.

“If a man has sex with you soon after meeting you, do not read too much into it. It is physical,” he enlightens.

Denis, 30, adds that it is important for a man that he does the chasing. Your responsibility as the lady at this point is to give him subtle cues that you are interested, which he will see as an invitation to pursue. Because he has zero emotional investment up until now, it is wise for a woman to keep it simple, enjoy the moments and be open to finding love.

This stage can last anywhere from a few weeks to a few months. It’s important to note that not all relationships move beyond this point. Some relationships stall at just physical attraction.

The tell-tale signs that the relationship is not progressing, according to Denis, is when a man seems overly interested in just the physical, or only compliments you on how pretty you look and never on your intellectual abilities or personality.

The uncommitted stage

This is when the butterflies die down, reality begins setting in and you realise that your partner isn’t perfect and that conflict can actually happen. The relationship becomes more realistic and at this point, a man is likely to be still dating casually.

He may have decided that there’s enough common ground to keep dating you but at this point, he is open to dating other people – meaning you may want to think about postponing sex. He is still trying to maintain his identity and he may appear quiet, occupied and unavailable. Do not be upset if his profile on a dating site is still active.

Being emotional beings with a strong desire for commitment and security, this stage is uncomfortable for any woman. It is stressful and unsettling for her and the mistake most make is to react by becoming too available, too eager or too invested.

“It might seem like a solution but if you give him too much too soon at this point, his interest wanes. It is worse if you try to interrogate him about his feelings,” says Jim Okach, a 28-year-old travel agent.

You might try to rush this stage or to ignore it. Badgering him with calls and texts might seem like the logical way of ensuring that he doesn’t lose interest in you but according to Jim, this will scare him off. Just as you shouldn’t rush it, do not put a man before your feelings.

This is the stage where you ask the hard questions, like what kind of relationship he is looking for; the trick is not to appear needy when you ask this. From the get-go, you should have a clear vision of what you want out of this relationship, be it casual dating or something more serious.

Do not be easy breezy if you want something more because you may not want the same things. If so, it ends.

Again, this stage may last anywhere between a few weeks or months depending on the man. As long as he is treating you well, enjoy the moment. Invite him to be with you while being clear that your life is moving on regardless.

Exclusive stage

If both you and your love interest are keen on a meaningful relationship, then you move on to the exclusive stage. According to Silas Muni, an accountant living in Kitengela, exclusivity doesn’t just happen and a woman shouldn’t assume it if the couple hasn’t discussed it.

“Also, a woman should not confuse exclusivity with engagement. If I say you are the only one I am dating, don’t begin making wedding plans,” he says.

What does exclusivity look like? According to this 28-year-old, a man decides to date only you and others in your social circle begin perceiving you two as a unit. If he is the cautious kind, he will ask to take a HIV test together.

A lot of women misinterpret this to mean that he is committed to you and that he is taking your relationship to the next commitment level. “A HIV test is not a relationship milestone, it’s a precaution,” insists Silas.

This is the stage you begin to gauge whether or not this person fits into your future. You should question whether or not you are on the same page regarding important life values like religion and primary life goals because in some ways, he may be exactly the person you want but in other areas, not so much.

Your task is to establish whether your differences are deal breakers so as to know if he is the one.

Commitment

After becoming exclusive, the next big step is an emotional commitment, which usually evolves slowly. It may take months or years to get here but you need to have spent enough time together to test your compatibility.

Your relationship becomes official and public and there is stability, peace and rhythm in the relationship. You can see how he fits into your future, your lives are intertwined. If you get to this stage, there is a possibility that your relationship could last for a lifetime.

“You may have met his friends earlier but this is where you get to meet his parents. Your goal at this stage is to seal the deal,” advises Stephen Mwangi, 31.

Stephen has been married for four years and when he got to this stage with his wife, he ceased doing most of the romantic things he used to do as the relationship was now mature. It seems like things will work in your favour at this stage if you show appreciation for the little things that your man still does.

What does this stage look like? This stage is characterised by mature, realistic love and may be agreed upon through conversation. A couple may also move in together. Also, he invests heavily in the relationship in terms of both time and money. It also comes with unspoken expectations from both parties.

The engagement

According to Edwin Omwenga, a 30-year-old who is set to walk his fiancée down the aisle this August, an engagement should come with a wedding date. “From what I have seen from friends and acquaintances, this stage can drag on and on,” he says.

At this point you have seen all the good and the bad of each other and still continue to love each other. You are committed, monogamous and have begun thinking about co-creation. Here, there’s the risk of traditional role-assuming before the commitment of marriage.

“Do not take up the role of his wife because you aren’t,” cautions Edwin.

If you move in with a man, take up his cleaning and washing, he will not be in a hurry to marry you. Until you’re formally married to him, you’re not his wife. According to the men, hold off until he makes an honest woman of you.