PHOTO | FILE An unhappy couple
NATION MEDIA GROUP
I cannot imagine the pain of building a
relationship, only for it to crumble after many years of emotional and
spiritual investment.
Many years of relating carry
with them a history that could involve friendships, families, children
and experiences that should never be take for granted. How can we invest
differently in relationships so that become a history of joy and good
memories?
When a couple starts dating, they begin
laying the foundation that they might not realise will become the
bedrock on which years of history, favours, fights, joys and dreams will
one day rest. Therefore, it is important to lay such a foundation with
care.
The truth is, the way the foundation of a
building is laid is what separates a great building that will stand the
test of time from one that is built for momentary pleasure.
So
it is important to start on the right note. For example, looking out
for a partner who is driven by values like trustworthiness,
faithfulness, respect, godliness and openness will give the relationship
a more stable and grounded future than building it on a foundation of
lust, half-truths and infidelity.
Later, after getting
married and cracks begin to show, a couple will more often than not
realise that the contentious issues began much earlier in the
relationship, or that they are the result of a fault line that
characterises a bad foundation.
Relating intelligently
means that we start early to confront the negative traits in an
individual’s behaviour with facts about the known flaws. This must be
done with the knowledge of where things started going wrong to
facilitate healing.
As the saying goes, nobody is
perfect, and as a result, we rub each other up the wrong way and do
stuff that could jeopardize the harmonious flow of feelings in the
relationship. Relationships that stand the test of time are those where
individuals invest in, investigate and take time to show care in areas
that spur growth:
Demand responsible behaviour
Two
people who expect their relationship to thrive and stand the test of
time must be willing to demand acceptable behaviour of each other. Where
one falls short, there should be opportunities for questions to be
asked and satisfactory answers given.
Companies that
have done well have learnt to operate within certain expected norms.
They have put in place values and cultures that drive productivity.
Notably, teamwork ranks highly, and this goes for any relationship if
those involved want to make the most of these norms and succeed.
No
relationship should be allowed to end simply because cracks have
appeared. Managing these cracks caused by differences of opinion, hurts
and disappointments require responsible behaviour.
I
believe God has given each one of us the ability to make sacrifices that
can make the relationship better. We should expect that those we relate
to will act responsibly, and that we will in turn give our best by
doing our part to make the relationship grow.
Bringing
intelligence to how we relate requires that we balance between
developing social skills (involves facilitating interaction and
communication with others) and cultivating relational health
(interpersonal interactions that are growth-fostering or mutually
empathic and empowering).
Taking each other for granted
One
of the greatest killers of relationships is the feeling by one partner
that they no longer feel valued. Such a feeling might arise from the way
they perceive they are treated. Is their voice heard? Are they
important? This feeling is like a cancer that breaks the body down
slowly.
With such feelings, it is easy for the
offended spouse to start drifting away from their partner. Meanwhile, if
the spouse who feels taken for granted does not voice their concerns,
it could lead to further cracks as they open doors that might attract
temptation.
This is where you find that some spouses
find it easy to cheat on their partner instead of confronting the
feelings that are driving them away apart. The feeling of being taken
for granted has a way of creating a certain emptiness and a lack of
fulfillment in the relationship
.
.
Excusing our lack of creativity
I
am convinced that a couple that regularly works on their relationship
maintains a learner’s attitude regardless of how long they have been
married. But as children come and go, we forget lose sight of what
brought us together in the first place. We stop doing those things that
brought a spark into the relationship.
When we stop
doing those small things like going shopping together, appreciating one
another, and going away on retreats together, creativity dies. One
spouse might claim to be busy with work or business, or even that they
are bored with their partner. This boredom could range from sex to a
number of other issues in the relationship.
But is love
some form of engine oil we buy from the store and pour into the
relationship, or is it about carefully made decisions to treat each
other the way we would like to be treated? It is by being the right
spouse positioned to change the course of the relationship for the
better.
Provide opportunities for venting
Our
bodies naturally expel toxic substances when we exhale and when we go
to the bathroom. But the question is, what do we do with the emotional
toxins that negative emotions, stress and pain accumulate in our bodies
day after day? Every animal, human being or even machine, has a way of
getting rid of these poisons produced in the body.
When
a relationship lacks a means of venting issues that are of concern to
one partner, poison begins to build up in the relationship. Gradually,
the relationship starts having a pile-up of unresolved issues that will
lead to regrets, bitterness, disappointment and frustration.
These
are what we call the small foxes that spoil the vine. We should
remember that unresolved issues arising within or without the
relationship can cause great pain and lead to a rift in the
relationship.
With time, one spouse could place the
relationship in an awkward position if he/she gives an opportunity to
someone of the opposite sex to help. Emotional ties easily develop in
such cases and could lead to an affair.
“There is
nothing wrong with venting. It is actually a healthy habit, but it all
boils down to how and when we do it” says Isabel Kirk, a counselling
psychotherapist. She gives some tips to bear in mind when venting:
First, accept and express anger comfortably and non-destructively by
recognising that we all get angry.
Second, express
your feelings without destroying the love by avoiding words, gestures
and tone of voice that hurt your partner. Third, consider the other
person’s needs and ask if this is a good time to vent. Just remember
that everything does not revolve around you. Be sensitive to the place
and time where such venting takes place.
Value self-disciple
Other
words that help us understand self-disciple are self-control or the
ability to restrain oneself or of one’s actions, feelings, etc. Lack of
self-control on the part of one or both spouses has led many spouses to
become prey to behaviour that has compromised the integrity of their
relationship.
Self-control is vital for a content and
peaceful relationship. Psychologists believe that self-control can make
all the difference between getting satisfaction or having regrets in
life. It can help us overcome obstacles, use discretion regarding our
desires, and remain calm in tense situation rather than exploding as we
clamor for attention.
Relationships can swing us from
one emotional state to another. However, when we are out of control, we
undermine our sense of judgment, which could enable us to achieve our
dream(s).
We might feel taken advantage of, but
self-control keeps our heads level and in a state that enables us to
make informed and well thought-out decisions. Failure to get ourselves
into this mode could also make us feel morally insufficient, inferior
and failures if we lack inner discipline.
Generally, we
consciously use our willpower when we have self-control; however, it is
easy for others to take it away from us when we allow their actions to
determine our responses.
Make the choice to love regardless
Basing
love just on feelingz defeats the purpose of why we are called to love.
Relating intelligently means that: First, “I choose to love my partner
the same way I love myself.”
This statement in itself
does not change the other person. However, it does show willingness to
make sacrifices for the survival of the relationship. When we learn to
love and affirm ourselves, we find it easier to do the same for our
partner without feeling threatened.
Each one of us is
unique, and that must be treasured. The hard part comes when such love
calls on us to appreciate our spouse’s strengths, weaknesses and
differences. This prevents turning the relationship into a competition,
but rather, a place for complementing each other.
Second,
relational intelligence says, “I encourage you to be your best because I
accept you the way you are.” Instead of engaging in completion that
will result in negative communication, relational intelligence places
responsibility on each spouse to create an environment that nurtures and
praises efforts of either partner instead of just placing focus on
criticising their mistakes. Remembering to praise the good in others,
however small, is like heaping red-hot coal on their heads.
We
are not the only ones God has given talents, so we must recognise and
praise our partners in the areas in which they are good. In one of my
earlier articles, I mentioned that this is the oil any spouse needs to
keep their love engine fired up.
This includes telling
yourself and your partner that you appreciate the fact that their
gifts are different from yours, and that it is your duty to encourage
them.
Third, relating intelligently also says: “I will
listen to you without a preset mind.” In relationships, we need to
listen intelligently both with our ears and our hearts while at the same
time involving reason to help us evaluate the information we hear and
actions we see.
Reflection and moments of silence
enable us to think through issues so that we can ask intelligent
questions and seek clarification. The outcome is a transformed
relationship because relationships have a direct correlation with the
quality of life we live.
Unfortunately, says Steve
Saccone, “Many of us often give less than optimal effort, focus, and
intentionality in order to maximize how we spend, invest, and give into
our relationships.”
Since relationships are the virus
of influence, what a change we would see if only people would pay close
attention to how they spend, invest, and give to their relational
spheres. We all carry this virus and how we pass it on will determine
the quality of life we live in 2014.
Happy New Year to all our readers.
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