Sorry honey, but NO, I won’t do that

PHOTO | FILE Don’t be afraid to take a stand.  NATION MEDIA GROUP

By SHADRACK N. KIRUNGA  

 

In Summary

• You have a right to stand your ground when asked to do something that goes against your conscience

Consider these scenarios: Livingstone is 35 years old and married for the past three years to Jessica, aged 33.

The marriage was going well, but six months ago, Jessica asked for something that shocked him: anal intercourse. According to her, it is okay to try it since her married friends did it, and seemed to be happy. Livingstone was dumbfounded and disgusted. In fact, for weeks after that, he could not bring himself to go near her.

However after considerable pressure and taunts, he caved in. The days that followed were an emotional roller coaster for both of them, and after a few months, Livingstone walked away. But before the marriage collapsed entirely, Jessica sought help and their union was saved.

Scenario two: Jeannette was convinced by her boyfriend to participate in a nude party. It was held in their neighbourhood, and her boyfriend promised to take her home if she became uncomfortable. It did become uncomfortable for her, in fact, it was traumatising.

Afterwards, she ended the relationship, and had to see a counsellor to deal with her guilt, which resurfaced forcefully every time she met any of the people at the party, including her boyfriend.

New trends?

Even more bizarre things are these days happening in relationships. These have serious ramifications on the social, psychological, and emotional health of individuals as well as their relationships. Some of the possible impacts include:

Guilt/Shame: The overarching feeling is one of shame and guilt, which may eventually destroy both the individual and the relationship. Jeannette, for instance, says that being naked among people who she had so much respect for scandalised her. She was totally unprepared for what she saw and every time the event replays it in her mind, she comes down with shame and guilt.

Mistrust: But Livingstone had an even bigger problem; he completely lost trust in women in general, but worse, in his wife in particular. Although he finally reconciled with her, he is always suspicious of anything she brings up. Their sex life has also suffered a great deal.

These are just a few possible results that could follow such an event. The question to ask then is: how should a person respond when faced with such a situation involving a partner?

Take a stand

For many people, even the more liberal ones, some issues are considered totally off the mark. Livingstone, for instance, considered anal intercourse a completely no go zone — repulsive, unthinkable, unimaginable, and totally unacceptable.

He, however, failed to convert this belief into a personal stand and instead acted to please Jessica. You have a right to stand your ground when asked to do something that goes against your conscience, regardless of the consequences.

Discuss with your spouse

This matter should be discussed, primarily to understand why a spouse would want to take part in such an activity. In Jeannette’s case for instance, her boyfriend was drawn to the group by a business partner, from whom he needed a favour.

He had the choice of going without his girlfriend, but thought it safer to convince Jeannette to go along. If he had opened up to her before the party, they would probably have found a better way of going round it or together decide that the deal was not worth the trouble.

Temporary Leave

Finally (this is a hot potato), I think staying apart may be advised in situations where such issues threaten an individual’s physical, emotional, psychological, and mental wellbeing.

For instance, a woman who is forced to engage in intercourse she considers alien will need to consider solving the matter from a distance to safeguard her wellbeing.

The writer is a counsellor. Do you have a question?