A few tips for our insurance companies

Crowds gather as the bodies of people killed by a soldier at the former army headquarters in Bombo, are put onto a truck. Photo by Dan Wandera. 

By Charles Mwanguhya Mpagi
Posted  Wednesday, March 20  2013 at  00:00

Somebody throw me a vuvuzela so that I can scream it loud and crazy to our esteemed insurance companies. Folks are not thinking outside the box.

For starters, I shall eat humble pie. I am not sure I have the guts to claim knowledge about technicalities in the rocket science of insurance. But at least I am blessed with an eagle’s eye to spot your loopholes. I also have a voice to share a view or two on how you can add value to Uganda while surging your profit margins. Here I go.

Insure our ambitious leaders
Doesn’t somebody in one of these firms think our politicians hatching ambitions of assuming top public offices in this nation need insurance? If a pseudo rich woman wants to “jump the queue” and publicly declares plans of occupying the first home, then she must be insured completely. She should be insured from trials too but can just pay for her sins while her accomplices are at large. Insured from political medicine that can result in a death gone mysterious. The same way, insure our leaders who choose to toe the line of the people and speak for them. Insure them from the Serpent that buys conscience at a hefty price.

Don’t forget our voters
The voter deserves a unique insurance policy. Insurance that covers the disappointment of a leader who turns into a mole, sycophant and bootlicker, screaming before cameras in defence of anything and everything even when his conscience is bleeding.

Surely, such a leader is in office to fatten himself for the day of political slaughter yet the voter being a voter cannot easily tell when elections make every man an angel. In that maze, only insurance can help.

Insurance from corruption
In this day and age when employing and paying pension to ghosts is seen as a ticket to economic paradise, our souls are bleeding for an insurance genius, to insure us from the beast corruption that resides in each of our souls.

Insurance from hollow exam results
As the craze of examination results sweeps the country, Ugandan parents need a special insurance policy. One to safeguard their little ones from schools building academic empires in 10 years, thanks to beating UNEB hands down at their own game. Year in, year out, they cheat their way to the front pages of our leading dailies, they send unto the world young people hell-bent on cheating their way to glory. The job market needs insurance from these half-baked products. Public accounts need insurance from this generation trained by some of Uganda’s most crude and shrewd head teachers who are seen as role models, lest embezzlement becomes a lifestyle.

Insurance from uncertainties in relationships
Sure as scandal follows scandal in Uganda’s public office, true love is lost in the labyrinth of materialism, infidelity and malice. We sure can never tell if our partners for decades shall be the ones to give us the fatal car knock at the premise of our homes that we sweated to build.

We sure can never tell if our wives are spies planted to accelerate our path to failure. We sure can never be as confident that our partners who came as angels, swearing to love us to the grave shall become masters of infidelity and transit points of viruses fatal. We sure need insurance from the gloom unforeseeable in relationships.